Since I couldn’t be home in Boston during Passover, we had our seder the weekend before. I tweeted it. Here’s the recap:
The tweder plate is set, the wine is poured, let’s tweet this seder up, Chosen Tweeples! (Auntie Selma is going to be so confused.)
Cup #1 and kiddush. Passover_WIN: 4 required cups of wine! Passover_FAIL: it’s Manischewitz.
Passover fun fact: The Hebrew slaves did not exodus as one massive group. Several Jews left early to beat the traffic.
Modern plague: “The Twilight Saga.”
Ritual: Washing of the hands. Even our Talmud is neurotic.
Ritual: Eating of a green vegetable. Jews eat so poorly, our God had to set aside a special day for us to try a salad.
The 4 Questions: When are we eating? How long is this gonna take? Why are you handing me parsley? Srsly, we’re eating when?
Modern plague: The cast of “Jersey Shore.”
The wise son tweets: hold up, imonna google this passover shit.
The wicked son tweets: passover? WTF?
The simple son is playing world of warcraft.
And then there’s the son without a smartphone. FAIL.
Ritual: 10 drops of wine for 10 bad-ass plagues. Actually, darkness is kind of lame. Locusts, now THERE’S a plague.
Passover quiz: if the exodus happened today, which Jonas brother would be slain? trick question, god hates all of them.
elu-hohtzi-hohtzi-anu, hohtzi-anu et-ha-Tivo, DAYENU!
Passover fun fact: the Jews were in the desert for 40 years, but half that time was spent waiting at the Sonic drive-thru.
Cup #2. Passover survival tip: spike the manischewitz with patron.
modern plague: health care reform. wait, who the fuck invited glenn beck to my seder?!
mmmm… unleaveney.
mmmm… bitter.
mmmm… bitter and unleaveney charoseth sandwich.
we interrupt this seder to eat too much food and ransack the house for a stale cracker. #afikoman time!
and we’re back with Cup #3! clearly, the lord was a bartender when he was in grad school.
Passover fun fact: “Eli’s Coming” by 3 Dog Night was far bigger hit than “Elijah’s Coming” by Neil Sedaka.
Popular ritual chants: “To Him it is fitting, to Him it is due!” and “It happened at midnight!” and “YANKEES SUCK!”
Cup #4: nearing the end of the seder, which is good, because I’M FUCKING WASTED.
As we say in my house: “the Passover seder is now ended, according to custom and law…sorta.”
Pics (below): the best matzo ball soup in the world; the baseball we keep on our seder plate so we should never forget the suffering of red sox nation.
